Note: I am completely aware that I am coming from a privileged place as I write this. I have a hired housekeeper and cook here in Kerala (but even then, as a dear friend pointed out, the task gets passed from one woman to the next), and I have a supportive husband who encourages me in everything I do. He has grown just as much as I have since we’ve been married, and it’s been a privilege to see. I have written this for women who, for whatever reason, cannot speak up.
For this entry, I feel a bit like Frank Constanza in Seinfeld’s “Festivus” episode, where, during the airing of grievances, he shouts, “I got a lotta problems with you people, and now, you’re gonna hear about it!” But if you’ve known me for my whole life, you know when I get super bothered by something, I turn into an 85-year-old man who is basically shouting at kids to get off his lawn.
Don’t get me wrong. I love International Women’s Day. We need it. We desperately need it to acknowledge all the trailblazing that’s been done, and of course, all the work which still needs to be done. My discussion, or rant if you prefer, addresses the latter.
My husband came home at lunchtime yesterday and said he’d been asked to give a short speech for Women’s Day (along with several students and other faculty). He asked, “What do you want me to say?”
And I was like, “BOY, AM I GLAD YOU ASKED”:
1. Women’s advancement starts in the home. Women can make great strides in careers, science, high-level corporate positions etc., but if, when she goes home, her husband won’t do a load of laundry, then we’re really not getting anywhere at all, are we?
There are no “set roles” anymore. There is a household, usually with two working people. Hence, those who live within the house need to share those duties.
Even if a woman is a SAHM, she deserves support and a chance to develop a talent or hobby she loves because, chances are, she feels totally consumed in her roles as a wife and mother.
TL;DR: Men, don’t be lazy. Do a round of dishes. Fold laundry. Take your kids out to play for a while. Your wife deserves a chance to be a person outside of being your children’s mother and your wife.
Like, I can’t even believe, in the year of our Lord 2023, that I need to write this down?? And yet I see story after story, post after post, of men simply not pulling their weight within the household.
2. Men need to share the mental load. Women are not only tasked with doing almost all household duties by default, but we also are tasked with the mental load of remembering basically everything. Appointments, school assignments, shopping lists, meal planning, where things are kept in the house, everything falls into the woman’s lap.
This invisible mental labor adds more stress than anything else and can make women feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed.
And it doesn’t help to follow your wife around and say, “Just let me know if you need help.” That ADDS to this burden. YOU look around and see what needs to be done. YOU take over helping the kids with projects and assignments. YOU take over half the shopping list or the meal planning.
Not only are women tasked with this mental load, but we also bear the brunt of criticism, especially when it involves kids. Every critical comment a person can dream up is passed through very freely to the mother, the partner usually tasked as the primary caregiver. Believe me, we are already our own worst critics – you don’t need to add to it.
3. Why bother getting your daughter into activities to develop her talents and academics if you’re just going to ship her off to be married in a relationship where she loses all of what she’s learned?
There’s a reason films like The Great Indian Kitchen have been made, and that’s because it’s a reality for many women out there, not just in India, but throughout the world.
Let me take the unpopular opinion here – don’t invest in your daughter unless you plan on standing with her if her eventual marriage is mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive (or all of the above). Don’t invest in her education if you’re just going to tell her “log kya kahenge” or “what will people say” if she wants to escape that situation, and you’re only worried about the potential stigma of divorce. Don’t invest in her talents if you’re just going to tell her to “adjust, dear” when she says her new husband expects her to do all the housework with no help.
I will shout it from the rooftops – WOMEN’S ADVANCEMENT STARTS IN THE HOME. It starts with teaching your sons how to fend for themselves in the kitchen, how to do chores, how to pick up after themselves. It starts with letting your daughters take risks, letting them show their anger and shout and scream and express discomfort, letting them interrupt people who have tried to silence them. And, for the love of everything on this green Earth, stop glamorizing the martyrdom of motherhood. Just stop it. It helps absolutely no one, least of all, women.
Happy belated International Women’s Day. We can all do better and be better.
This post is part of Blogchatter’s CauseAChatter.
An American in Kerala 
Thanks for putting this down. Even in the privileged position I am I’ve faced statements like “I’ve never taken the dish from table after eating, we don’t do it at home”. after marriage. Sometimes we put up with such things if the guy helps with other chores it’s ok, but the very misogynist thought that taking your own plate form the table is not a man’s job is a serious problem. This casual misogyny passes down through generations in the subconcious mind.
Absolutely. This is partially why I wrote it. Casual misogyny is far too common, and what’s even more horrifying is that these beliefs are passed down through the mother.
I wonder what makes you think men don’t do things like folding the laundry or doing the dishes. Well, I do at least and I know a lot of other men too who do it.
I don’t think – I know. I’ve seen it with my own eyes and heard men refuse with my own ears.
Very well said! I would say that my husband breaks a lot of gender norms when it comes to Indian men – cooking, cleaning and doing the laundry are in his camp, while I do all the mechanical assembly, snow shoveling, etc. Sadly, he is subtly ostracized by the community and put down for just being himself. I know many an “Uncle” who left their plates at the dinner table and bragged about never changing a diaper. I see it changing in our generation, but to your point – starting at home – makes a difference to the young boys we are raising.
Yes! It will make a huge difference. The change starts with us. I know many an uncle too unfortunately. But fortunately I also know a few uncles who are changing things for the better. But, of course, this post is not about them. Happy to hear you and your hubby are setting great examples for your children and for yourselves!